THE BREAK-UP

I walked out with the biggest smile on my face. I was grinning so hard I thought my lips would tear, if they didn't fall off first. I had finally done it. I broke up with them, or him, or it. Whatever men, I broke up with all of them.
 It's not that I was dating many people. Though that would have been nice; if maybe they were all rich, hopelessly in love with me and didn't mind sharing me. Fortunately or unfortunately, that's not the case.
 I broke up with yesterdays. I know you'll probably tell me that they are very important because they helped me be me today but I'm not forgetting them, I'm just letting them go.
 I broke up with the parents that belonged to yesterday. They probably annoyed the living day lights out of me, but hey they are still my parents today, and even if I disown them, they will still be my parents tomorrow. And let's face it, I LOVE THEM. O and I'll probably piss off my kids too.
 I parted with the course I didn't get admission to study. I still went to school and I have every right to say that I am a GRADUATE, and I know stuff someone else doesn't.
 I ended it with the job I didn't get. Well, I'll probably try again, but right now I earn enough to take care of me and my shoes, so I'm good and happy. Besides I sound really INTELLIGENT and IMPORTANT when I tell people where I work and what me job is.
I ditched the Assho- (I'm sorry I meant to say) guys I fell for or dated. "Hey it wasn't me, it was them". Not everyone can handle all my awesome. Now I can point at a really HOT guy and say 'I could have dated that, but he didn't just cut it'.
 I broke up with the friends that left. I think that was the best thing they did throughout our relationship. They realised I deserved better even before I did. Anyway I have the BESTEST right now and that's perfectly right.
 Best of all, I broke up with WHAT IF's, as exciting as they are to be with. I realised they tied me to my past and taught me to regret the things that made me the woman I am.
 Today I broke up with yesterday and I'm not rushing to meet tomorrow. Today and I are having fun now.
 Word of advise, get over your past, it already got over you.

Not for LESS

I looked in the mirror, who was she? I could not recognise her. Smile lost, eyes red and heavy with the weight of tears. I had drained my body of moisture to an unheathly level, yet every time I think dehydration is about to set in, the dam breaks, again.

 I needed a plan, needed to create a speech. But I could not hear myself think over the havoc the cannon of pain was wrecking on my heart.

 I often blame myself, I don't know how, but I must have messed up somewhere. I fell for him, and maybe that's the problem. I knew it was time to go, but it wasn't until I packed myself up that it hit me. I had given more than my heart, I had given all of me on a platinum platter yet I can't define what it was that I got in return.

 He wasn't mean, he was sweet, kind, and sometimes attentive. I had tried leaving more times than I can count but he always acted and spoke right. Well today my heart found a brain, and mine got fed up. I wanted and deserved more but I won't ask or beg. I'll take all or nothing not some or a little more than before.

 I picked up my bags to leave, then he walked in and smiled. He thought I was being dramatic again. He took my bags from me and and did it again. He said the right thing so I stayed.
I stayed to tell the truth. He had the best but refused to give it. I've given my best, now I'm taking it back. I'm leaving because I won't settle for less.

NIGERIA – THE COLOS = ???

I was talking with someone an age ago and as usually discussions turned to Nigeria. Personally, I do not like to discuss Nigeria and her issues. I believe she is a country with a lot of character, sometimes amusing, other times depressing. The people who do number ones and number twos on the street, the grabbing hands when you walk though the market, and the angry shouts from frustrated drivers on the road. But most importantly Nigeria has a lot of strength; most countries have not gone through half of what she has gone through and survived. But in the midst of it all we’re still standing.

Ok now, see I am talking a lot without even saying the thought that popped up in my mind. Can you imagine how Nigeria would have been without the influence of colonisation?  Well no offence, the influence of the colonisation has been, well useful in some ways. At least I got to study outside the country. But who is to say that these things would not have happened if one man did not decide to see what existed in the rest of the world.

I am fine with seeing the rest of the world, I think it is actually fun, but deciding to enforce your ways on what you see is a little bit...well I don’t know, I just don’t like it. Who is to say that we would not be civilised now if our colonial friends did not come over to say hi when they did? We obviously had our own types of medicines which sometimes still work better than those of the modern world. Yes more people died then than now, but that also happened in the ‘antique modern areas’. I think we would have eventually developed even though it was at our own pace.

Do you think we would have Nigerian politics like it is? I never or at least I avoid talking about politics, Nigerian politics, it often depresses me. Anyways considering politics, we may not have it the way it is if there was no colonial anything. But if we think deeper, we’ll probably realise that there would be no Nigeria. Clearly the geographical area would still exist with life, unless it was blown up by some ‘aged nuclear explosive’. However Lord Fredrick Luggard (hope I spelt right) would not have done any amalgamation, consequently I would not know my very interesting eastern flatmate. We may only associate with each other based on language only, and believe me with the number of languages and ethnic groups we have.....

I know many people believe that the colonial peeps brought Christianity into Africa, but can we remember the Ethiopian that Philip went to gist with? I am not going to dwell on the religious aspect sha.

Our clothes, well I do not think the exposive dressing we have now is a result of the outside western cultures. Actually if I am right in what I have seen over the years the very traditional attires are not exactly total cover ups. So who is to say that the tube gowns and half tops are not the original moods of our dressing? They say fashion is reoccurring; well maybe our own fashion is reoccurring in the way the world dresses. Trust the youth mess ups would still be happening, as in confirm, it won’t change at all.

I cannot say that we would have cars and stuff, but I still strongly believe that we would have found easier ways to do our own things no matter how long it takes or took us. We are very smart people, if you do not believe me, ask the people that have had to pay because they unfortunately were people fondly referred to as ‘maga’.

It is hard to argue and bring out the good of colonialism. If we look at the mentality of majority of Nigerians one would find inferiority when it comes to our uncoloured counterparts. It happens in the office environment when the white man is allowed  entrance through the exit door, in our secondary schools when the teacher punishes others for not turning in their assignments and then turns a blind eye to the uncoloured students. On the flip side, discrimination based on my black and beautiful colour still happens. Would not call myself a victim (don’t like the word) but I faced prejudice too, to my face, in front of me, and guess why? Cause I am a Nigerian, imagine, how many of them can use proudly as a prefix to their nationality and it would sound classy? Say it out loud if you want to know how it feels ‘Proudly Nigerian’.

My only and greatest issue with colonialism, the only reason I would like to see history without colonialism is the background mentality it has impacted in my country. We have so many scars to be proud of, many values, many triumphs and trials to rejoice in. But we let these men who have probably forgotten the events of the last century, lord over us, even when they did not plan to. Who said we were made to be followers? Even though Esau was destined to serve his brother, if we check we’ll see that he still made it, he was rich o, as in very rich. Yes he worked hard, and probably suffered, but so did Jacob. So why do we think we can only survive with the follow-follow mentality. A wise man often says ‘It does not have to be white to be right’. But I think most of us believe that ‘It is not right unless it is white’.

In the midst of my annoyance, I am grateful for those around me that refuse to be intimidated by the fact that they do not have the ability to turn red with emotion or burn under the intensity of the sun. Do not get me wrong, I am not racist, I do not hate white or uncoloured people, I have wonderful friends that are not remotely African, who cannot even look African even if they tried. My beef is with those who refuse to let go of colonialism. It’s a thing of the past, and as much as I would like it, we cannot remove it from our past. Life is not about what happened or what was done in your past, but about how you make the best of your future.

So we should stop blaming the colos and what they did but we should deal with our own personal colos.

To Be LOVED or To LOVE

Many people take the opportunity to be loved for granted while another group of many believe it to be amazing. I also think it is really awesome; I mean the knowledge that someone loves you, loves everything about you and all that is you. The assurance that you are loved even in the midst of your very perfect imperfections, your unstableness and that less than beautiful side is just plain astounding.
I think it is beautiful when you can look in your life and find love directed at you alone in someone’s eyes. There’s your mother’s love which she shows you even when you didn’t listen and bruised your knee. Or the type your sibling shows because they are pissed at you enough to show you again. There’s the type you find in that friend that you have because they see that without your person the crew just can’t be.
But the opportunity to love someone else, I think is another wonder of our world. Agree with me or not, I think loving outside of you is fulfilling. You love that parent even after all the fights and no’s and misunderstandings. How you love a child that just won’t get it or grow up, but it still somehow feels right to love him. The way you can love your siblings to pieces, and I mean that, pieces, because there are times you tried to tear each other to shreds. It even feels good to love your hairy naughty little dog, and your dismantling barely functional car. It’s just right.
However, there is one love that just plain shocks me out of this world; the way you love one other significant person. This love is different than the rest. You love this person so much that you are legally in lust with them. At first it seemed that the container was all that there was to be loved, I mean the way he moved and could smile at you, make you laugh, and start a butterfly riot on your insides.
Then amazingly, it’s not just the container it’s her mind, the way she speaks the truth and tries to learn something new. You love the way her hair covers her head, how she blinks in the sun, and tilts her head in thought. You just love her, not just for these things but for much more.
There is more to write, but since I understand that the amazement and beauty you feel from loving someone and everything about the person is unwordable I’ll tell you one last thing:
The best thing that ever happened to me is that I love you. I love so much that my spirit holds you close. So much that I want to cover you from the rain, shield you from the sun, protect you from the wind and love you through your pain.
It is wonderful that I love you this much; hence I pour all my love into my eyes, so when you look at them you see a love that holds every type of love ever directed at you.
I love you so much that when you are around my feet curl in my shoes, when you look at me my neck grows more sensitive hairs. O and when you smile, when you smile at me, my lungs stop to hear my heart scream out in love.
I love that I can and that I do love you. My heart loves you down to the blood she pumps. My soul loves you because you complete my previous wholeness. My body loves you because that’s the only way I get to see you, touch you and show you.
But I love you, and that is the most precious gift to my world. The opportunity to love you, someone outside of me.

When I do apologise?

So how do I know when an apology is true? How do you know that I actually wish I didn’t?

Over time, I’ve realised that our lives are full of words and 95% of the time we decide to use them untruthfully. Ok so maybe 95% is an exaggeration for some, but you know what I mean. Anyway, so how do you believe or determine that the greatly expected, anticipated and well deserved apology is honest? How do we know that when people say something, they don’t mean something else.

Like

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you – “Actually I did, but I did not expect all this drama, it’s not good for my reputation”

I take back what I said – “As if that was possible, sucker, I meant every word”

Please forgive me – “Hmm, go to hell”

OR                            

I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me, I can’t believe I did that, I didn’t mean to. I thought I was protecting you, I did not mean to hurt you. – “Yeah right, whatever. Get over it. Besides if you believe that, you’ll believe anything like ice cream is made out of ice”

I think with the way people try to ‘unsay’ and ‘undo’ stuff that they meant to with “I’m sorry” I have lost some faith in friendship, more in the spoken word and almost completely in the phrase and in apologies.

So here’s the deal, I know some are true, and other will never be, but instead of finding the apology, you are better off not offending. Since there are others like me, those losing faith in apologies, you may have only the first trial to do it good, and get it right, but if nothing, do it honest.

Do I apologise?

Sometimes we wish we didn’t, other times we wish we did. We sometimes hope we could take back what we said, other times we regret not saying, we often wish we had said it differently. But the truth is it really doesn’t matter. Nothing we’ve said can be unsaid, and no action taken can be unacted. It’s just how life is, time past cannot be rewound. So we’ll just have to live with it? Our mis-acted actions, and mis-placed and mis-said word.

Well sometimes, life allows you make or try to make remedies, do the right thing, say the right words, but one thing it won’t do is give you a guarantee. As there is no clause that states that you can take back what you did if the results are unsatisfactory.

But really does any of it really matter? Do we truly care that we said or did what the other person perceived as wrong? In my opinion; which no one asked, I don’t think we care. We care in a way but the affection is directed inward and not towards the offended. The reason you apologise to anyone is not just because you hurt the person’s feelings, it’s because you feel bad.

At this point I applaud the “Arrogant” lot who do not apologise unless they actually believe they were wrong. If you were considering the recipient of your words and actions in the first instance you would not have said or acted. It was, is and would always be about you. The wrong or tort was about you, and the attempt at correction is still about you. That is you feel sorry rather awful for being the reason for someone else’s hurt so you try to make the person feel better so that you can in effect sleep well at night.

Doesn’t it make more sense to do as you will and when it’s done don’t bother with it? If you are wrong deal with it. Guess what? That space in time has gone, FOREVER. Use the next and the next and the one after the next to do right.

Wishing you didn’t do or didn’t say doesn’t mean anything. If you ask me, don’t bother apologising, because, it’s just as selfish as the initial tort.

Another Read

It was 3:00 am and I could not sleep. Not because I was feeling something negative or cause I was bothered, but because I was amazed. I was staring at her as she slept soundly; she always has a calm almost smiling expression when she’s asleep. Don’t tell her I said so, she has a slight snore which I find adorable, but she totally hates. I snuggled closer careful not to wake her as she would worry that I’m up at this time but close enough for me to feel her warmth. I allowed the intoxicating scent that was all her envelope me and I fell into very deep musings.

I closed my eyes and cast back to when I had just returned from the Head of State’s Special Task Force, as a young Officer. I had seen many things that made sleeping at night a dreaded task. In my bid to settle back into normal living and to forget the horrors most people are unaware of, I decided to go to the movies, watch something funny that could probably help me see the world through the eyes of humour even for a few hours. I hadn’t decided on a movie yet, so I sat down to have lunch at one of the restaurants in the complex that held the cinema. Eating out was becoming a daily occurrence for me since I hadn’t settled down enough to be willing to cook and eat at home.

While eating I heard the most delightful laughter ever. I looked up and my eyes were met by the largest most beautiful brown eyes known to Africa. Miss Brown-eyes was fair, with long blackish-brownish hair down the sides. She had on a lilac top with sprinkles of silver sequins around the sleeves, could not determine what she wore below the table but that didn’t matter cause I was sure I would never be able to forget those eyes. She had a date though, just my luck, so I tried to tamp down on the effect her sparkling eyes had on me. My eyes and thoughts kept straying to her and trying to engrave the picture of her eyes, hair, pink lips, button nose and beautiful face in my mind. She seemed bored with her date though, as her eyes kept catching mine, but as a disciplined and honourable military man, I would never go after another man’s woman, no matter how magnetic her eyes were.

I silently paid for my food and went to purchase my movie ticket. I had decided to watch Johnny Depp’s new comedy. At the counter I said hello to the attendant and asked “One ticket for Dark Shadow please”. Then a slightly husky but very female voice countered “Make that two, we’re together”. I turned to look at the source of the voice and I was stunned into silence by the most breath-taking smile you would ever see. “Danjuma what is the matter with you? Why do you keep staring at her and acting like your brain cannot work like it should?” I noticed her lips were moving fast, so I tried to listen “Well my name is Demilade and I mean Demilade, not Lade or Demi or Ade or anything of the sort. Just Demilade. Anyway, I noticed you were going to watch Dark Shadow and I am totally into Jonny Depp. Besides I just think it’s a crime to watch a good movie or any movie at all by yourself. Isn’t it just wrong?” All the while I was waiting for her to take a breath or turn blue from lack of it. She turned to the movie attendant handed her the money, thanked her and took the tickets.

This was all very shocking. I am six foot four, fairly dark, not remotely built and I never attract more than a passing glance from ladies. Even when in uniform, I only get curious glances which I think is more about the uniform and rank and what it stands for than the wearer. Hey, I was in a dark pair of jeans and a green polo shirt, nothing special and Miss Really Large Brown Eyes walks up to me, offers to see and movie with me and even pays for it. “SHE PAID FOR IT?”  Now that snapped me out of my shock.

But before I was fully recovered she pulled me away and asked for my name. I opened my mouth to answer, then I noticed I could not remember my name. Had I been out of social circles for so long or was it another effect of little Miss Energized. She giggled as she dragged me to the drinks stand. I snapped out of the woman induced trance when she asked what I wanted to have. I was brought up old fashioned and I liked it that way so I wasn’t going to allow her blind side me again and pay for the drinks. “My name is Danjuma. Nice to meet you too. I’s like to pay for the drinks and also refund you fo-”

“O that’s fine.” She interrupted. “I just wanted to get you to talk; you seem to be the brooding type and I think it would be nice to hear what you have to say. Besides I think a girl should be allowed to pay for something once in a while”.

I gave a slight smile and her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree, “You have a lovely smile” was her soft reply. I smiled again, this time a full smile. Not because I’m particularly a fan of my own smile but because I wanted to make her eyes light up like that again. It made me feel warm on the inside and that was even more confusing. “Danjuma, you’ve been away from the female species for too long. Dude, behave yourself”.

She continued “We have time before the movie, so I’m going to ask you a lot of questions. Just humour me, I am a very curious person and I just had the most boringly mind-numbing lunches ever with my high school crush. Just met him again after a long time, and I honestly do not understand how I could have had a crush on the young man” she finished rolling her large eyes.

This admission put me at ease, so we talked and laughed and we laughed and laughed and talked a lot. She more than I. It was a lot of work to keep up with her but well worth the effort. We ended up not seeing the movie, when we realised it had started it was almost an hour into the movie and we were enjoying each other’s company so much we could not be bothered to go somewhere we had to speak in hushed tones. Anyway the best part of it all is that was when I met my very own movie partner.

Three children, five grandchildren, retirement as an AVM, many tears and laughters later I have never gone to the movies alone. Now, with her snuggled in my arms, I am looking forward to 6:00 pm when I get to surprise my best friend, now Mrs Brown Eyes, with the movie that brought us together. I kept the tickets since that day, forty years today, so I didn’t forget the tittle. I paid the cinema people to find it so we could watch it on the anniversary of the day we met.

We’ve done something special for each other every 12^th of August since we met. I close my eyes, I’m looking forward to seeing her eyes light up when she sees what I planned this year. Forty years and counting and I still haven’t gotten over the effect her eyes have on me.

JUST SAY IT

I am sick, really very sick. And I am tired too. I am totally sick and tired of our habits and behaviours towards ourselves. How we take each other for granted and wait for special days or life altering events to say what our hearts have been screaming at the top of its lungs. Really, do we have to wait for Valentine’s Day before our mouths can catch up with our hearts?

I am done and I’m expelling me from that school. So today I am just going to say it. I felt very awful when my grandma died without being able to hear certain things I wanted to tell her or see the things I was hoping to do for her. So I am not waiting for father’s day, mother’s day, sister’s day, or any other day before I do this. Is there even a day for everything?

To my father, its not father’s day today (at least I don’t think so) so I am not saying happy father’s day. I just want to tell you that I am grateful that I have a Daddy that I can play with, laugh with and most importantly dance with (believe me my dad dances well, I am not playing).

And Mum, I love that I can call you many different names that mean the same thing. I love the fact that you and my Dad, your husband, treat each one of us like we were the only child, without letting us forget that we have three sisters.

My three sisters; The Lady, The Amazing and The Awesome. I love the fact that we all have totally different personalities but with the most mind-blowing synergy. I love the fact that in our own ways we are mature enough to make mum and dad the proudest parents to ever walk the earth, while we are still in touch with the child within that allows us just play and laugh a lot (for the laughter part).

I love that my family celebrates every little thing about our members. I do not mean parties o. There is just a way you are made to feel like a super star just because you were picked out to play the keyboard at your primary school end of year party.

To my friends, well I love all of you, and I’ll tell you what applies to you in person. I love that we laugh, and are crazy together. Believe me, if you are my friend, you are NOT normal, anyone crazier than you are should be in confinement. For those of you that I fight with, you add zest to my life, and those who hurt and re-hurt me; well I’ll say you bring drama to the mix.

To everyone I am saying we do not need to have a confessions day to say you love someone, or an anger day to tell someone you are pissed at them. However, if you want to make telling stuff an event, then “With the power vested in me by the words I write, I now pronounce every today ‘Just Say It’ Day”. So you must always say it. Just say it, what’s the worst that could happen?

MAGIC

Many people do not believe that magic exists, and I beg to differ. I think magic exists and we see it every day whether or not we notice or look for it. Those who know I am African would think about the black magic you all believe we practice on this side of the world. Well that’s your problem, believe what you want, besides it’s not my business and I choose not to attest to its existence or otherwise. 

My kind of magic is wholesome and somewhat normal; I think. It is different, not the type of magic that brings glittering sparks out of your fingers, freezes time and gives you the opportunity to set things right, or the type where you are able to read a person’s thoughts, or an individual’s actions or a specific turn of events, just because you feel like it.

I find magic every day or maybe at night, depends on when I search for it or when it chooses to appear. Funny thing is that it is always shimmering before your eyes, or whichever of your senses is active at that point. I hear magic in the sound of a child’s laughter. Believe me there is a reason people always want to make a child laugh. There is something totally enchanting about the melodious sound that bubbles up from deep within a child whether 6 months old or 12 years. For me it adds a splash of rainbow to my day. 

I taste magic in the smallest things. Some know I’m not really big on food, but there’s magic in certain little foods. My favourite chocolate packs so much power that I unconsciously release a very satisfied little sound as it melts and explodes with its flavour in the walls of my mouth. And my plantain is always magical enough to make me eat anything (almost), but it works for me. If you want to find magic in food, try eating when you skipped the last day’s meals. 

I always see magic in nature. It’s amazing the way the sky arranges itself in brilliant shades of blue. The way the canvas of the sunset is painted in hues and tints ranging from indescribable reds to undefinable oranges always always leave me speechless. I am totally amused by the way the trees sway seductively as they dance in the arms of the wind to a rhythm of sounds carried on the shoulders of the gentle breeze.

The most magical moment in my day is at night. I see, feel, smell, and bask in magic at night, when I seat on the roof (not hood) of my car, well maybe the hood; I can’t always reach the roof. Anyways that time at night when the moon is at its highest point. When the stars come out to decorate a crescent-mooned sky I am just plain happy with the world. And that night when the stars step back to allow the full moon bath the earth in its beautiful and gentle glow, with power gleaned from the sun, I fall in love all over again; in love with everything and everyone in my life. Then I am filled with peace and gratitude for the magic given to me in my world. 

You don’t need to be charmed to have magic; you just need to be human. Find your own magic. It may be in that gentle kiss you share with your significant other, or the hug that your little sister gives you every morning. Whatever your magic is, wherever you find it, hold on to it because it makes your life beautiful. 

P.S. You can tell me too, I’ll like to hear about it. Just leave a comment

FOR THE RECORD

Everything reminds me about you. I look out of the window of my apartment on the 17th floor and the calm of the sky reminds me of the way your smile calms me from within. I step onto the balcony and the laughter of the every happy person sounds nice. A beautiful reminder of how happy I was when you took the time to be with me, to make me laugh, and make me feel like just that one smile from me was all you needed to make it through to the very next hour and every one after that. The full moon brings back memories of nights spent on the hood of the car talking and staring at the stars, in our eyes.

Then the harder days come, the days when the raging sea beating against the shores during a storm is all too similar to the way my heart beat whenever you were near. The rain dark, cold and heavy keeps everyone in doors for the weekend and that just matches the way I felt every day since I left home. I had to leave, because you changed.

Or maybe you didn’t and I just wasn’t right about the feelings I read in your eyes. I thought I was, well very important to you. I used to be the first person you spoke to in the morning, the only person you ranted to when you were upset, the one and only person who could hug everything right. Then I don’t even know what happened. I guess the male species is more complicated than a little female like me can understand.

But the truth is the change hurt, but not as much as I did when I realised that I had fallen so much for you that I could not do anything about. I have met hot amazing guys that I would have hit it off with under normal circumstances, but they didn’t have any iota of appeal. Actually they were unattractive. Thanks to YOU. I didn’t leave home because I hate you, or because I can’t stand you. I left the country the only place I have ever called home, because I could not tell you that I love you. It made my days hard, and they are even harder now because nothing has changed, and FOR THE RECORD, I AM DEEPLY and INSANELY IN LOVE WITH YOU.

THOSE I CALL MINE

There is a set of people I like to call my own. As in strictly mine, but I'm willing to share them with others only because the world needs to see the wonder that is these people. They are my family in more ways than one. I've known some of them all my life, half of my life, the past few months, since the previous life (if there was one) and some, well it feels like forever.
These people probably have absolutely nothing in common, and they may not strike u as amazing, but I think they are extremely awesome. I may not see or speak with them for a while, we may be thousands of kilometres apart, but truth be known, our connections never dwindle. One call or a five minute conversation and it feels like we have been living next door to each other forever.
To all who I call my friends, I love you. Those who went through schools, trainings and experiences with me. All who I met along my way on the journey through life, whether in the gene pool, beside french school,on the queue in the cafeteria, when I was outside my home country, or through other people. Those of us who sat through classes together, beauty competitions, parade and freezing temperatures, I can't imagine how my life would be right now without you.
I can't help being stunned at the way you all accept me in spite of myself. I cherish my independent relationships with you, and I won't replace anyone of you with another.
So today, to all those I proudly call my friends, I'm saying I love that I know and love you. I am honoured to call you MINE.

REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME?

Can you remember the first time your heart broke? I hear it’s a feeling as indescribable as most. Maybe broken doesn't describe the feeling well at least not physically. Sometimes it feels like your heart decides that it’s not pumping enough blood into your body so at that very point it’s like it squeezes itself in order to get as much blood around as possible. Sometimes when your heat breaks it’s not your heart that tells you what is wrong, your lungs somehow believe it’s their job to do this, so they stop accepting air. Or maybe your nose won’t cooperate with them any more.

And other times, your heart breaking may lead to a full system shut down. They often refer to it as being numb. I think that comes in two ways, there’s active and well the other type of numb. The active numb, I think is very scary. Your heart got broken, and then you work on and on and on and on and on and try to live and live and live and live, like NOTHING HAPPENED. Nice well done, don’t know about it that much and I guess it works. In some cases I guess the broken hearted even becomes more active than usual, probably good when your boss is a slave driver, may get u a raise. And the other type of numb, well it’s different. You do absolutely nothing. Everything happened, so you do nothing, you’ve lost all feeling, totally and completely emotionless. You refuse to work, or to live or to smile, and in certain cases, you refuse to bath or be clean or to even clean.

Regardless of how your heart breaks, there is always a very first time. This first time is different from all the other hurts you have ever felt. The pain you felt when you weren't picked as a prefect in school, or the pain you felt when your friend seemed to like the new class mate a little more than they liked you. It actually beats the pain of healing from your first surgery or that snake bite that could have taken your life. This very first heartbreak, takes all these past little and big hurts, compresses them in to a box, finds extra pain from somewhere in the universe and seals them in a box. Then this box is open, on the very floor of your heart. You hoped to see a jack-in-the-box, but you got pain instead.

It didn’t register at first, or maybe you denied it for as long as you could. But it hurt. It hurt more than you ever thought possible. And then you promised. You made an earth changing vow like the rest of us, never to be made to feel that way again. That you'll never let anyone have that type of power over you.

Time passes and a few little hurts later, you give your heart away again. To another mortal, another human. Aren’t you frightened because it was a mortal, a human that broke your heat the first time? So this new one does not get a perfect and brand new heart, but one that has been scarred, and has its pieces glued back together by time and determination.

And when I ask if you remember the first feelings of heartbreak, you answer “Yes I do. But do you remember the first feelings of love?” There and then I rest my case, and only hope I can find the courage to remember the love more than the hurt. Hope I can understand that certain persons won’t return my love, ever, but I still have every right to love again. That I can understand that no matter how much it hurts, love is always worth the first heartbreak.

The Connection

Sometimes you meet someone and after a few moments it feels like you have known them all your life. And if you believe in reincarnation, maybe you knew then in the previous life.
I honestly do not know how to describe that particular emotion or feeling that overcomes you when you spot them. There is a certain rush of in the very core of your chest, for a minute you feel totally breathless with recognition. Your mind works overtime trying to grasp the reason you feel a high sense of familiarity, why you feel like you know every single thing there is to know about them.
So you stare, not the rude type of stare, because you have manners. Somehow your eyes seem to develop a mind of their own. They just move of their own will continuously straying towards this person. You still cannot tell if it is the way their eyes sparkle in the light or how they seem to tilt their head slightly in concentration. Or is it that slow deliberate smile that always catches your attention for endless minutes.
You are introduced and you just click, there is an unmistakably intense connection. Your eyes meet and hold. You try to and you look away only to look back, into the same eyes that are as familiar as the sound of your own voice. You find it really hard not to stare into those brown eyes, but every time you look into them they always seem to tell you some story. Each one seems to be different from the previous and not as intriguing as the next.
Funny thing, though you know there is a story, you do not know what it is about, how it starts or how it ends, but you would like to know. You want to read the story in those eyes, listen to those lips tell you every part of the story, every single detail possible. Then your brain remembers to send a message to your mouth and your lips move.
You smile and then you talk. Like magic you both hit it off. Conversation doesn’t seem to slow down. You both seem to have so much to talk about and you can’t seem to get tired of that special voice. The voice and manner of speech animated enough to keep you interested in the flimsiest topic.
You wish time could stop. You wish you could have all the time in the world so you could gain a deeper understanding of this person, this really fascinatingly familiar person. As you leave and exchange contacts, you are hoping you get a chance to know more.
That was the connection. However, you can’t help wondering and asking yourself ‘Will this connection last?’ and more importantly ‘Is this connection even the least bit real?’

INTRODUCING THE INVISIBLE…

Recently was talking with two of my girls and got absolutely fed up with someone. We thought about it and decided to find the person, unfortunately this particular individual cannot be found or spoken to in person, so we decided to confront they publicly and we hope the message is received and understood.
You would notice that I wrote they and not them because this person cannot be classified as male or female, because we understand that they can be either or both or even more than one person at any point in time. I am talking about THE INVISIBLE THEY. Really since my girls and I cannot express our frustrations to They directly then we’ll just tell you about shim (a cross between she and him).
I personally think They has the sharpest and most flippant mouth in the world. Anh anh! They would say nice things about you and in a split second say the worst things about you. They said a certain lady was not married because she had lived a wayward life when she was younger and if you just wait a few days, shim would tell you that the lady actually got engaged but didn’t get married because the man died before they could. By next month, They would say the lady actually got married and was divorced because she kept aborting all her pregnancies.
Which brings me to the fact that They is as inconsistent as, well as power where I come from. They could like you now and hate you all at the same time. Very confused right?
They is never able to make up shim’s mind at any point in time. This turns out to be frustrating for those of us that end up hearing or having to listen to what They said.
And you won’t believe how powerful they is. They can be the person who decides whether or not you get to be the class president or whether you win the beauty pageant. Yes I know there are class mates and judges involved, but don’t we always say ‘They didn’t vote for me’ or ‘They didn’t think I was good enough to win’?
We, my girls and I, honestly believe that They above all, is a coward. You don’t agree with us? Then tell me why is They faceless? Why can shim never show shim-self in public or come and tell you stuff in person?
In the midst of all this, isn’t it funny that even though we know how unreliable They is, we still listen to and actually do what They says or said or will say? Imagine if my Mum came and said ‘They said you are not my daughter even though you look like me and I am sure I gave birth to you. I was there. But since They said it, then you are not my daughter’. How about if you came back from work and your wife throws a fit and when you finally find out why she’s upset you find out that ‘They said you lost your job’ even when you are a partner at the firm with controlling shares.
Like one of my girls would say ‘Ewo ewo’. This is just really ridiculous. Me I’m not listening to They again o. They is on shim’s own along with whoever is listening to and living by what They says.

NOT MY FAULT

I don’t mean to, but it’s my own trumpet and since I have it I might as well blow it. Do not even think it; I am not anywhere near proud. I just state the facts as it is.
I am always the standard. I have the perfect height, perfect figure and shape, and perfect complexion. Really I am serious if you are taller than I am, you are too tall, if you are shappier than I am; you are too shapey. Needless to say, I turn heads when I walk past.
O and my smile. Hmmm my smile makes it right with the world. You see my smile and everything you went through up until the point you saw me was just worth it. My smile is so beautiful and bright, even the sun is envious –no offense Sun, I still like you *wink*.
My eyes are just plain stunning, I find myself having to look down sometimes so I do not have to deal with too many suitors, but it has never really worked. They still come any way.
My lips are full, the perfect combination of black and pink. It’s weird I know, but I have it that way. O and they are naturally lined. I could go on and on about just my face, but in summary I’ll just say that every feature on my face is in the right size and perfect position. I am so pretty, I hardly need make up, but I am the makeup artist’s dream canvass.
I am on point from my hair, to the sole of my feet. If you are looking for, there is proof. Beyond how I look, there is just something about me that draws people to me. I’ll admit it is very frustrating sometimes because the magnetism does not discriminate but all the same that’s just my life. Anyways you just like me because I exist. You do not exactly have a choice in the matter. Even when you try to hate me, you fall harder than you thought, so don’t fight it. It is easier for all involved.
Let’s not forget, I am the perfect mix of classy and down-to-earth. I know how to act right and also how to get down. I’ve found it easy to be good with the guys and with the girls.
I know I sound arrogant, but o well it’s the truth. I won’t call me beautiful if I did not have an exceptionally wonderful personality. I am smart, both street and book. I work and play hard; just so you know, that’s the best way to live life. I have a big heart and I am extremely nice. This is why I would never take someone else’s boyfriend.
So I would really appreciate it if someone eplained this to Nancy. Honestly I do not like her but truly it is nothing personal, just one of those things you know at first sight. And I’m only human. Needless to say, I know the feeling is mutual, actually more intense on her part considering the recent happenings. But candidly I must tell you, it is refreshing to find someone who could openly dislike me.
I have nothing against Nancy, so I do not wish her bad. So please tell her top consider putting her man on a leash. I know she blames me for his recent infatuations, but it’s not my fault. I have enough male attention and I don’t need yours to feel special. Besides I can have anyone I want, when I want, and how I want. So I am asking nicely, Nancy please handle your man, for his own good. No offense but he can’t handle me and all my hotness. Girl to girl advice, if he won’t behave and can’t leave me, let’s teach him a lesson, I do not stop saying ‘No’ and you leave him.
However in the midst of it all, whatever you do, please remember, none of this is my fault. I am just blessed that way.

WHEN TEARS WON’T CHANGE A THING

I personally believe no body is too strong to cry, or too macho or too heartless. Crying has been a part of the human culture since forever, only that the reasons for these tears often vary from joy to sorrow. And there are the people in-between these two extreme reasons for tears. The criers; they cry just because they can. They cry when water runs out of an open tap, they cry Tom the cat is unable to catch and eat Jerry the mouse for the umpteenth time in the Tom & Jerry cartoon, they’ll even cry when they see how pretty my younger sister looks with her new hair.

There are times that when people cry it makes a world of difference. I mean certain people cry and then everything comes to a standstill until the river of tears stops flowing. When any baby, new born or a few months old; should open their cute little mouths to cry, then all units change direction to respond to them. The funny thing is you do not believe that mouths as tiny as that could actually produce that kind of earth shaking noise. The best part is that when they cry, it is because they feel uncomfortable about something or they do not like something, and somebody somewhere does something to change the situation. Your girlfriend cries because you offended her and you change or try to change your ways.

However, it doesn’t always work like that. I woke up this morning to extremely unattractive news. The lady we all call ‘Yeye’, left this world on the first night of the year. So I cried, and it didn’t work. She’s not coming back. I am her granddaughter, so my tears should make a difference to her. But she just decided to leave. That’s one thing I know and I hate that I have had to learn is true. Tears won’t always make a difference. They are an expression and nothing more.

So even though it cannot change anything, I’ll still cry. I’ll cry because the old lady that shows how I’ll look when I am a grandmother is no longer breathing. I’ll shed tears for the beautiful example she laid for me, she was good with business. I’ll weep because she left before it was time for me to do the one thing she asked of me. But most of all, I’ll cry because, a parent of mine won’t see her mother a live any more.

Rest in Peace Yeye, we’ll miss you.

Dedicated to my grandmother Mrs Odetoyinbo passed 2nd January, 2012 at 1:20am.