THE BREAK-UP

I walked out with the biggest smile on my face. I was grinning so hard I thought my lips would tear, if they didn't fall off first. I had finally done it. I broke up with them, or him, or it. Whatever men, I broke up with all of them.
 It's not that I was dating many people. Though that would have been nice; if maybe they were all rich, hopelessly in love with me and didn't mind sharing me. Fortunately or unfortunately, that's not the case.
 I broke up with yesterdays. I know you'll probably tell me that they are very important because they helped me be me today but I'm not forgetting them, I'm just letting them go.
 I broke up with the parents that belonged to yesterday. They probably annoyed the living day lights out of me, but hey they are still my parents today, and even if I disown them, they will still be my parents tomorrow. And let's face it, I LOVE THEM. O and I'll probably piss off my kids too.
 I parted with the course I didn't get admission to study. I still went to school and I have every right to say that I am a GRADUATE, and I know stuff someone else doesn't.
 I ended it with the job I didn't get. Well, I'll probably try again, but right now I earn enough to take care of me and my shoes, so I'm good and happy. Besides I sound really INTELLIGENT and IMPORTANT when I tell people where I work and what me job is.
I ditched the Assho- (I'm sorry I meant to say) guys I fell for or dated. "Hey it wasn't me, it was them". Not everyone can handle all my awesome. Now I can point at a really HOT guy and say 'I could have dated that, but he didn't just cut it'.
 I broke up with the friends that left. I think that was the best thing they did throughout our relationship. They realised I deserved better even before I did. Anyway I have the BESTEST right now and that's perfectly right.
 Best of all, I broke up with WHAT IF's, as exciting as they are to be with. I realised they tied me to my past and taught me to regret the things that made me the woman I am.
 Today I broke up with yesterday and I'm not rushing to meet tomorrow. Today and I are having fun now.
 Word of advise, get over your past, it already got over you.

Not for LESS

I looked in the mirror, who was she? I could not recognise her. Smile lost, eyes red and heavy with the weight of tears. I had drained my body of moisture to an unheathly level, yet every time I think dehydration is about to set in, the dam breaks, again.

 I needed a plan, needed to create a speech. But I could not hear myself think over the havoc the cannon of pain was wrecking on my heart.

 I often blame myself, I don't know how, but I must have messed up somewhere. I fell for him, and maybe that's the problem. I knew it was time to go, but it wasn't until I packed myself up that it hit me. I had given more than my heart, I had given all of me on a platinum platter yet I can't define what it was that I got in return.

 He wasn't mean, he was sweet, kind, and sometimes attentive. I had tried leaving more times than I can count but he always acted and spoke right. Well today my heart found a brain, and mine got fed up. I wanted and deserved more but I won't ask or beg. I'll take all or nothing not some or a little more than before.

 I picked up my bags to leave, then he walked in and smiled. He thought I was being dramatic again. He took my bags from me and and did it again. He said the right thing so I stayed.
I stayed to tell the truth. He had the best but refused to give it. I've given my best, now I'm taking it back. I'm leaving because I won't settle for less.

NIGERIA – THE COLOS = ???

I was talking with someone an age ago and as usually discussions turned to Nigeria. Personally, I do not like to discuss Nigeria and her issues. I believe she is a country with a lot of character, sometimes amusing, other times depressing. The people who do number ones and number twos on the street, the grabbing hands when you walk though the market, and the angry shouts from frustrated drivers on the road. But most importantly Nigeria has a lot of strength; most countries have not gone through half of what she has gone through and survived. But in the midst of it all we’re still standing.

Ok now, see I am talking a lot without even saying the thought that popped up in my mind. Can you imagine how Nigeria would have been without the influence of colonisation?  Well no offence, the influence of the colonisation has been, well useful in some ways. At least I got to study outside the country. But who is to say that these things would not have happened if one man did not decide to see what existed in the rest of the world.

I am fine with seeing the rest of the world, I think it is actually fun, but deciding to enforce your ways on what you see is a little bit...well I don’t know, I just don’t like it. Who is to say that we would not be civilised now if our colonial friends did not come over to say hi when they did? We obviously had our own types of medicines which sometimes still work better than those of the modern world. Yes more people died then than now, but that also happened in the ‘antique modern areas’. I think we would have eventually developed even though it was at our own pace.

Do you think we would have Nigerian politics like it is? I never or at least I avoid talking about politics, Nigerian politics, it often depresses me. Anyways considering politics, we may not have it the way it is if there was no colonial anything. But if we think deeper, we’ll probably realise that there would be no Nigeria. Clearly the geographical area would still exist with life, unless it was blown up by some ‘aged nuclear explosive’. However Lord Fredrick Luggard (hope I spelt right) would not have done any amalgamation, consequently I would not know my very interesting eastern flatmate. We may only associate with each other based on language only, and believe me with the number of languages and ethnic groups we have.....

I know many people believe that the colonial peeps brought Christianity into Africa, but can we remember the Ethiopian that Philip went to gist with? I am not going to dwell on the religious aspect sha.

Our clothes, well I do not think the exposive dressing we have now is a result of the outside western cultures. Actually if I am right in what I have seen over the years the very traditional attires are not exactly total cover ups. So who is to say that the tube gowns and half tops are not the original moods of our dressing? They say fashion is reoccurring; well maybe our own fashion is reoccurring in the way the world dresses. Trust the youth mess ups would still be happening, as in confirm, it won’t change at all.

I cannot say that we would have cars and stuff, but I still strongly believe that we would have found easier ways to do our own things no matter how long it takes or took us. We are very smart people, if you do not believe me, ask the people that have had to pay because they unfortunately were people fondly referred to as ‘maga’.

It is hard to argue and bring out the good of colonialism. If we look at the mentality of majority of Nigerians one would find inferiority when it comes to our uncoloured counterparts. It happens in the office environment when the white man is allowed  entrance through the exit door, in our secondary schools when the teacher punishes others for not turning in their assignments and then turns a blind eye to the uncoloured students. On the flip side, discrimination based on my black and beautiful colour still happens. Would not call myself a victim (don’t like the word) but I faced prejudice too, to my face, in front of me, and guess why? Cause I am a Nigerian, imagine, how many of them can use proudly as a prefix to their nationality and it would sound classy? Say it out loud if you want to know how it feels ‘Proudly Nigerian’.

My only and greatest issue with colonialism, the only reason I would like to see history without colonialism is the background mentality it has impacted in my country. We have so many scars to be proud of, many values, many triumphs and trials to rejoice in. But we let these men who have probably forgotten the events of the last century, lord over us, even when they did not plan to. Who said we were made to be followers? Even though Esau was destined to serve his brother, if we check we’ll see that he still made it, he was rich o, as in very rich. Yes he worked hard, and probably suffered, but so did Jacob. So why do we think we can only survive with the follow-follow mentality. A wise man often says ‘It does not have to be white to be right’. But I think most of us believe that ‘It is not right unless it is white’.

In the midst of my annoyance, I am grateful for those around me that refuse to be intimidated by the fact that they do not have the ability to turn red with emotion or burn under the intensity of the sun. Do not get me wrong, I am not racist, I do not hate white or uncoloured people, I have wonderful friends that are not remotely African, who cannot even look African even if they tried. My beef is with those who refuse to let go of colonialism. It’s a thing of the past, and as much as I would like it, we cannot remove it from our past. Life is not about what happened or what was done in your past, but about how you make the best of your future.

So we should stop blaming the colos and what they did but we should deal with our own personal colos.

To Be LOVED or To LOVE

Many people take the opportunity to be loved for granted while another group of many believe it to be amazing. I also think it is really awesome; I mean the knowledge that someone loves you, loves everything about you and all that is you. The assurance that you are loved even in the midst of your very perfect imperfections, your unstableness and that less than beautiful side is just plain astounding.
I think it is beautiful when you can look in your life and find love directed at you alone in someone’s eyes. There’s your mother’s love which she shows you even when you didn’t listen and bruised your knee. Or the type your sibling shows because they are pissed at you enough to show you again. There’s the type you find in that friend that you have because they see that without your person the crew just can’t be.
But the opportunity to love someone else, I think is another wonder of our world. Agree with me or not, I think loving outside of you is fulfilling. You love that parent even after all the fights and no’s and misunderstandings. How you love a child that just won’t get it or grow up, but it still somehow feels right to love him. The way you can love your siblings to pieces, and I mean that, pieces, because there are times you tried to tear each other to shreds. It even feels good to love your hairy naughty little dog, and your dismantling barely functional car. It’s just right.
However, there is one love that just plain shocks me out of this world; the way you love one other significant person. This love is different than the rest. You love this person so much that you are legally in lust with them. At first it seemed that the container was all that there was to be loved, I mean the way he moved and could smile at you, make you laugh, and start a butterfly riot on your insides.
Then amazingly, it’s not just the container it’s her mind, the way she speaks the truth and tries to learn something new. You love the way her hair covers her head, how she blinks in the sun, and tilts her head in thought. You just love her, not just for these things but for much more.
There is more to write, but since I understand that the amazement and beauty you feel from loving someone and everything about the person is unwordable I’ll tell you one last thing:
The best thing that ever happened to me is that I love you. I love so much that my spirit holds you close. So much that I want to cover you from the rain, shield you from the sun, protect you from the wind and love you through your pain.
It is wonderful that I love you this much; hence I pour all my love into my eyes, so when you look at them you see a love that holds every type of love ever directed at you.
I love you so much that when you are around my feet curl in my shoes, when you look at me my neck grows more sensitive hairs. O and when you smile, when you smile at me, my lungs stop to hear my heart scream out in love.
I love that I can and that I do love you. My heart loves you down to the blood she pumps. My soul loves you because you complete my previous wholeness. My body loves you because that’s the only way I get to see you, touch you and show you.
But I love you, and that is the most precious gift to my world. The opportunity to love you, someone outside of me.

When I do apologise?

So how do I know when an apology is true? How do you know that I actually wish I didn’t?

Over time, I’ve realised that our lives are full of words and 95% of the time we decide to use them untruthfully. Ok so maybe 95% is an exaggeration for some, but you know what I mean. Anyway, so how do you believe or determine that the greatly expected, anticipated and well deserved apology is honest? How do we know that when people say something, they don’t mean something else.

Like

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you – “Actually I did, but I did not expect all this drama, it’s not good for my reputation”

I take back what I said – “As if that was possible, sucker, I meant every word”

Please forgive me – “Hmm, go to hell”

OR                            

I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me, I can’t believe I did that, I didn’t mean to. I thought I was protecting you, I did not mean to hurt you. – “Yeah right, whatever. Get over it. Besides if you believe that, you’ll believe anything like ice cream is made out of ice”

I think with the way people try to ‘unsay’ and ‘undo’ stuff that they meant to with “I’m sorry” I have lost some faith in friendship, more in the spoken word and almost completely in the phrase and in apologies.

So here’s the deal, I know some are true, and other will never be, but instead of finding the apology, you are better off not offending. Since there are others like me, those losing faith in apologies, you may have only the first trial to do it good, and get it right, but if nothing, do it honest.

Do I apologise?

Sometimes we wish we didn’t, other times we wish we did. We sometimes hope we could take back what we said, other times we regret not saying, we often wish we had said it differently. But the truth is it really doesn’t matter. Nothing we’ve said can be unsaid, and no action taken can be unacted. It’s just how life is, time past cannot be rewound. So we’ll just have to live with it? Our mis-acted actions, and mis-placed and mis-said word.

Well sometimes, life allows you make or try to make remedies, do the right thing, say the right words, but one thing it won’t do is give you a guarantee. As there is no clause that states that you can take back what you did if the results are unsatisfactory.

But really does any of it really matter? Do we truly care that we said or did what the other person perceived as wrong? In my opinion; which no one asked, I don’t think we care. We care in a way but the affection is directed inward and not towards the offended. The reason you apologise to anyone is not just because you hurt the person’s feelings, it’s because you feel bad.

At this point I applaud the “Arrogant” lot who do not apologise unless they actually believe they were wrong. If you were considering the recipient of your words and actions in the first instance you would not have said or acted. It was, is and would always be about you. The wrong or tort was about you, and the attempt at correction is still about you. That is you feel sorry rather awful for being the reason for someone else’s hurt so you try to make the person feel better so that you can in effect sleep well at night.

Doesn’t it make more sense to do as you will and when it’s done don’t bother with it? If you are wrong deal with it. Guess what? That space in time has gone, FOREVER. Use the next and the next and the one after the next to do right.

Wishing you didn’t do or didn’t say doesn’t mean anything. If you ask me, don’t bother apologising, because, it’s just as selfish as the initial tort.

Another Read

It was 3:00 am and I could not sleep. Not because I was feeling something negative or cause I was bothered, but because I was amazed. I was staring at her as she slept soundly; she always has a calm almost smiling expression when she’s asleep. Don’t tell her I said so, she has a slight snore which I find adorable, but she totally hates. I snuggled closer careful not to wake her as she would worry that I’m up at this time but close enough for me to feel her warmth. I allowed the intoxicating scent that was all her envelope me and I fell into very deep musings.

I closed my eyes and cast back to when I had just returned from the Head of State’s Special Task Force, as a young Officer. I had seen many things that made sleeping at night a dreaded task. In my bid to settle back into normal living and to forget the horrors most people are unaware of, I decided to go to the movies, watch something funny that could probably help me see the world through the eyes of humour even for a few hours. I hadn’t decided on a movie yet, so I sat down to have lunch at one of the restaurants in the complex that held the cinema. Eating out was becoming a daily occurrence for me since I hadn’t settled down enough to be willing to cook and eat at home.

While eating I heard the most delightful laughter ever. I looked up and my eyes were met by the largest most beautiful brown eyes known to Africa. Miss Brown-eyes was fair, with long blackish-brownish hair down the sides. She had on a lilac top with sprinkles of silver sequins around the sleeves, could not determine what she wore below the table but that didn’t matter cause I was sure I would never be able to forget those eyes. She had a date though, just my luck, so I tried to tamp down on the effect her sparkling eyes had on me. My eyes and thoughts kept straying to her and trying to engrave the picture of her eyes, hair, pink lips, button nose and beautiful face in my mind. She seemed bored with her date though, as her eyes kept catching mine, but as a disciplined and honourable military man, I would never go after another man’s woman, no matter how magnetic her eyes were.

I silently paid for my food and went to purchase my movie ticket. I had decided to watch Johnny Depp’s new comedy. At the counter I said hello to the attendant and asked “One ticket for Dark Shadow please”. Then a slightly husky but very female voice countered “Make that two, we’re together”. I turned to look at the source of the voice and I was stunned into silence by the most breath-taking smile you would ever see. “Danjuma what is the matter with you? Why do you keep staring at her and acting like your brain cannot work like it should?” I noticed her lips were moving fast, so I tried to listen “Well my name is Demilade and I mean Demilade, not Lade or Demi or Ade or anything of the sort. Just Demilade. Anyway, I noticed you were going to watch Dark Shadow and I am totally into Jonny Depp. Besides I just think it’s a crime to watch a good movie or any movie at all by yourself. Isn’t it just wrong?” All the while I was waiting for her to take a breath or turn blue from lack of it. She turned to the movie attendant handed her the money, thanked her and took the tickets.

This was all very shocking. I am six foot four, fairly dark, not remotely built and I never attract more than a passing glance from ladies. Even when in uniform, I only get curious glances which I think is more about the uniform and rank and what it stands for than the wearer. Hey, I was in a dark pair of jeans and a green polo shirt, nothing special and Miss Really Large Brown Eyes walks up to me, offers to see and movie with me and even pays for it. “SHE PAID FOR IT?”  Now that snapped me out of my shock.

But before I was fully recovered she pulled me away and asked for my name. I opened my mouth to answer, then I noticed I could not remember my name. Had I been out of social circles for so long or was it another effect of little Miss Energized. She giggled as she dragged me to the drinks stand. I snapped out of the woman induced trance when she asked what I wanted to have. I was brought up old fashioned and I liked it that way so I wasn’t going to allow her blind side me again and pay for the drinks. “My name is Danjuma. Nice to meet you too. I’s like to pay for the drinks and also refund you fo-”

“O that’s fine.” She interrupted. “I just wanted to get you to talk; you seem to be the brooding type and I think it would be nice to hear what you have to say. Besides I think a girl should be allowed to pay for something once in a while”.

I gave a slight smile and her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree, “You have a lovely smile” was her soft reply. I smiled again, this time a full smile. Not because I’m particularly a fan of my own smile but because I wanted to make her eyes light up like that again. It made me feel warm on the inside and that was even more confusing. “Danjuma, you’ve been away from the female species for too long. Dude, behave yourself”.

She continued “We have time before the movie, so I’m going to ask you a lot of questions. Just humour me, I am a very curious person and I just had the most boringly mind-numbing lunches ever with my high school crush. Just met him again after a long time, and I honestly do not understand how I could have had a crush on the young man” she finished rolling her large eyes.

This admission put me at ease, so we talked and laughed and we laughed and laughed and talked a lot. She more than I. It was a lot of work to keep up with her but well worth the effort. We ended up not seeing the movie, when we realised it had started it was almost an hour into the movie and we were enjoying each other’s company so much we could not be bothered to go somewhere we had to speak in hushed tones. Anyway the best part of it all is that was when I met my very own movie partner.

Three children, five grandchildren, retirement as an AVM, many tears and laughters later I have never gone to the movies alone. Now, with her snuggled in my arms, I am looking forward to 6:00 pm when I get to surprise my best friend, now Mrs Brown Eyes, with the movie that brought us together. I kept the tickets since that day, forty years today, so I didn’t forget the tittle. I paid the cinema people to find it so we could watch it on the anniversary of the day we met.

We’ve done something special for each other every 12^th of August since we met. I close my eyes, I’m looking forward to seeing her eyes light up when she sees what I planned this year. Forty years and counting and I still haven’t gotten over the effect her eyes have on me.