FROM MY HEART

I hate to fight, especially with you, it breaks my heart and I ought to avoid it like a plague. But then do I even try to avoid a dispute? How possible is it to live in this world of ours without visiting a place of intense negative emotions with the ones you love, I ask myself. Those are the excuses I give when I actually want things to be different.

I wish we could love each other and never get hurt. Wish we could talk to one another and never raise our voices because we got mad, that we could always look at each other and never think of revenge.

I yearn for days when you wake up enthusiastic and with anticipation of the things the day brings, that I do not have the ability to irritate you. I pray for days when all you can do is smile at me and laugh with me, regardless of how often you have to tell me to shut the door.

I long for days when your heart jumps with love at the sound of my name and not with resentment; times you find that you are breathless from racing to the house with me, and not as a result of storming out in anger.

I greedily covert the days when our arguments are pointless and borne out of our boredom and not out of conflict.

But instead, I always seem to offend you, say the wrong words out of my ignorance and sometimes my stupidity. I give the wrong attitude, and act in the worst ways, often with the best intentions at heart. I can only ask that you charge it to my heart.

Blame my heart, forgive my brain. But blame me with caution; my heart can only take so much. I act bigger, and behave stronger, but you have handled so much from me because of your strength. 

I am proud, and extremely arrogant, I take offence at the slightest thing you do. I make you apologise when I’m wrong, beg for my forgiveness when the roles ought to be reversed. So today I swallow my pride and crush everything that makes me feel bigger than I actually know I am, and tell with all my heart that I am sorry. I take back every wrong word, apologise for every thoughtless action. I know it is not possible to have a do-over; otherwise I would have done my best to do things differently. In the midst of all my slips and mess-ups, please find that place in your heart, where you are bigger and please forgive my whole being.

I honestly wish it was that easy, as I am trying harder to forgive you too.